There is a question that keeps coming up that I would like to address. A question that deserves time to discuss, and it was a question I had to answer myself that question is, “How do I know if people are being real with me?” It’s a great question; the fear is that strangers, acquaintances, and even friends are kind to a disabled person out of a sense of pity instead of genuine kindness or interest. It is difficult for anyone to judge the intentions of others, and there is not a full-proof answer. Worrying about the thoughts of others is exhausting, so instead of focusing on the unknowable, we can redirect that energy into building a community.
A community, from my perspective, is a series of relationships that add value to life. That may sound like it does not answer the question, but if we apply the definition, we can see it has value. So why do I define a community like this? Because a “relationship” means that I am apart of the equation. I think that is something we forget is that we control people’s perception of ourselves. Yes, there is a stigma when it comes to disability, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t challenge those assumptions. Below are four questions I ask myself to determine if this person is genuine and apart of my community.
- What is my value?
Notice that the first thing I ask is focused on myself, not the other person. There is no way to a person’s motivations, so I choose to focus on what I can control, and that is my own actions. I remind myself that I have value and that I am not someone who needs pity. If you have never done this before, I recommend starting with positive affirmations. It may be a little cliché, but putting yourself in the proper mindset before meeting someone can help you be more open and receptive to others. Trust me, it works!
- Do I feel the need to hide my disability?
The act of trying to hide your disability is called “Passing” because a person is trying to pass off as normal. Depending on your impairment, this may be easy or next to impossible. Still, true friends and people should be accepting of your impairment. Now that doesn’t mean that they help you at every turn or a classic line I hear is, “I don’t even see you as handicapped.” Neither of these situations are helpful because we are handicap, and we are capable in our own ways. This also does not mean you have to reject help at every turn; get angry because someone tries to call you normal. What I am saying is that a friend or acquaintance should recognize your disability, and respect what you have to say. If someone acts like that, then those are the people that may be genuine and worth getting to know.
- How well do I know about the other person?
Honestly, the best way to get someone to care about you genuinely is for you to care about him or her. When meeting someone or trying to make friends, I try to remember one thing about that person, even if it just their name. You’d be surprised how many doors this can open. Please know that being unsure about people is not unique to the handicap community. Everyone has this concern. What is unique is that we are conditioned to kind to those society deems as “different” By taking a genuine interest in others, you can cut through the superficial niceties. Showing someone you care allows them to reciprocate those feelings. Once a good rapport is established, a bond is formed.
- How do others see me?
I understand why we question people’s motivations. Still, the problem isn’t an individual’s attitude, but rather the cultural attitude. It is ingrained in our society that people with disabilities are less fortunate; therefore, we must be kind to them. If you understand that, then we should strive to reform the misconceptions about disability. If we change the beliefs and attitudes surrounding disability for the better, then the question about peoples’ intentions goes away. Be yourself, and show what makes you worthy of friendship and kindness. Your disability is apart of your life but don’t let fear stop you from putting yourself out there. You never know who you might meet.
I hope the thoughts I listed above give you a starting point to evaluate your relationships, but if you are still unsure, then you need talk to the person. If you remain silent, then nothing will change. Voice your concerns because using your voice could change someone’s view on disability. That is what advocacy is all about. Advocacy is about looking at those commonly held beliefs and telling a different story. In this case you can challenge the myths that surround disability. The story you tell and the experiences you share will be unique and genuine to you and the community you build.